Anger Management

I tend to just be a smidge over-emotional at times. It's a source of interest for friends and relatives as they chide me for my over-passionate arguments, or general obsession with winning. Put another way: It's not hard to get my color up.

That goes for gaming too, and many is the time a peripheral has felt my wrath after a close loss. A veritable graveyard of console gear lives quietly in my closet. It's there that several Xbox® Communicator headsets, a controller or two, a shattered memory unit, and even a few cracked game discs, rest in peace.

Just the other day, as I reined blows onto my hardwood floor with my Controller S after being stripped of a medal in Battlefield 2: Modern Combat™, I thought, there has to be another way. When the controller split in two and the A button shot towards my naked eye, I figured it was time for a change.

He gets fed to the ghost fish if he can't put her down.

The security of my gaming gear is now well in hand, as I've found an alternative by getting my frustrations out in-game. It's lovely what opportunities we're afforded for punishing our digital counterparts. I've taken full advantage of the situation. Now, my blood pressure is down and I haven't threatened to punch a co-worker in two weeks time.

Feed Ryu to the Fishes
My first opportunity for character-inflicted punishment came after perishing time and time again at the hands of the insidious Alma in Ninja Gaiden® Black. Furious at Ryu's inability (not mine, surely) to thwart Rachel's tainted sister, I booted up an old save from the original Ninja Gaiden®, and threw Ryu headlong into a swarm of ghost fish.

As they nibbled his life away, I shouted a mixture of encouraging words and disparaging remarks, making it clear that this ignoble death was his punishment for not defeating Alma. A great wave of calmness spread throughout. I was on to something.

C4 and Drive
Not long after the ghost fish incident, I found myself snuggled into a sweet sniper spot on the Bridge Too Far map in Battlefield 2: Modern Combat. I was one shot away from earning the medal for sniping four enemies with one clip, when an ally unloaded on my target, taking him out before I could line up the shot. Two seconds later, an artillery strike blew me to smithereens.

Detonate!

After spawning as a Special Ops kit, I found the nearest jeep available, tagged it with C4, hopped in and pointed myself at the nearest enemy base. After hitting top speed, I spotted an engineer desperately trying to plant a mine in my path. Perfect. A gentle controlled turned made him go splat, and I continued on, slamming into the sandbags at the base, and detonating the armed jeep, ripping myself and a couple enemies to shreds and allowing a teammate to come in and take over the flag. Again, the satisfaction was sweet.

Mine and Shoot
While this isn't self-inflicted, there is no better satisfaction when playing versus mode in Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell® Chaos Theory™ than getting brained by a sniper shot, only to sneak back near the objective, locate the nearest mine the enemy has placed, and then shoot it as the mercenary runs by. It makes me warm and fuzzy just seeing the merc fly across the screen as the note pops up "so and so killed himself." Sweet justice indeed.

Stick and Run
Getting your ass handed to you on a regular basis in Halo® 2 matches online? Try this solution. Get a friend to stick you with a plasma grenade, and then dive into the midst of a group of enemies and watch the armored bodies fly. Get revenge on your digital avatar, and give those punks on the other team something to think about.

I'm not advocating such outlandish behavior on a regular basis, but sometimes you've got to step outside the competition or difficult boss fight, and just have a little self-destructive fun for your own amusement. Give yourself a chance to calm down, and have a little experimental fun while you're at it. Who knows, maybe you'll spare yourself a few bucks by not having to replace a broken controller or headset.

Column by Ryan Treit