S-M-R-T or S-M-A-R-T?

By Ben Barker

Hey, kids, it’s your Uncle Ben, and I’m in a dilly of a pickle. See, I’ve been tasked with a character close-up for The Simpsons Hit & Run™, the new free-roaming, mission-based Xbox game from Vivendi Universal Games and developer Radical Entertainment (dude). But The Simpsons is one of the longest running shows in history. “Doh!” belongs in the dictionary. This show started when I was in high school—what I’m saying is, it seems like everybody knows the characters on The Simpsons better than many members of their own families.

So this time, we’re going to do something a little different—a little game of “Who Am I?” Try and guess the character by the quote and trivial details below, swipe the bottom of the page with your mouse to see the answers (they’re in white text).

A quiz?! I’m gettin’ outta here.

1. “What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?”
I’m a gun-toting character with a voice based on E.G. Robinson and a face that goes with my job. My son went steady with Lisa Simpson, and I was the Pete Best of the B-Sharps. In The Simpsons Hit & Run I’ll hand out some missions and send out my boys if you violate too many of Springfield’s extremely lax traffic laws.

2. “Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote ‘ultimate’ belt.”
I’ve been known to wait hours for a scantily clad Kate Mulgrew picture to download, and once turned supervillain to find the ultimate collectible (Lucy Lawless of TV’s Xena) and have a tendency to Talk. Like. This. I’ll turn up on the road and in my shop in The Simpsons Hit & Run.

3. “Can I burn evidence in it?”
If characters on cartoons aged in real-time, I’d be in my mid-twenties. I once sold my soul to a friend for candy money, and cheated on an intelligence test. There’s a distinct possibility I’m either going to end up in construction or as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. I’ll provide all of the tutorial tips to Homer in The Simpsons Hit & Run, and later, I’ll get behind the wheel. Not that that’s strictly legal.

4. “I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.”
A long-time bachelor, I finally tied the knot with my childhood sweetie and soon became father to octuplets. I’ve been known to deal in questionable meat and improvisational musical numbers. My store is one of the first places you’ll need to go in The Simpsons Hit & Run--later I’ll pop up as a playable character.

They know—but they’re not tellin’ you.

5. “Up yours, children.”
Though no one may legally say so, I was born Armin Tanzarian and changed my name to honor a fallen comrade in Nam. Despite widely reported rumors, I do not believe my buttocks are any larger than normal, and though I still live with my “mother,” I recently began a relationship with a direct subordinate. I’m one of the drivers you’ll challenge on the road in The Simpsons Hit & Run, but I left the motorcycle at home.

6. “There’s no shame in being a pariah.”
I have a long-standing gambling problem and an affinity for pearls. When I worked briefly as a cop, I helped stop a counterfeit Levi’s ring, and I keep petty cash in a jar in my hair. I’ll provide a lot of missions for Homer in The Simpsons Hit & Run, which makes sense. Later, I’ll hit the road myself. These groceries don’t just buy themselves.

7. “A rude Frenchman! Why, I never.”
Despite a beatnik upbringing, I’ve become a devout, upstanding pillar of Springfield. I own my own business at the Springfield Mall with a sinister-sounding name, but I couldn’t be less evil if I tried. And I do. I’ll give Homer one of his first missions … finding some things that have gone missing from my garage before I call the cops!

8. “Shut up, brain! I don't need you any more, I'm popular now!”
A strict vegetarian, I’m also a musical prodigy, wrote an essay that earned me a disillusioning trip to Washington D.C., and can swing a mean hockey stick. I also broke Ralph Wiggum’s heart and captured the moment on TV. I’m one of the playable characters in The Simpsons Hit & Run, though I don’t have a driver’s license.

Springfield is full of characters.

9. “I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world!”
In this case, another quote says it best: “You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.” Naturally, I’m one of the main playable characters in The Simpsons Hit & Run. And if you don’t know this one, you don’t know The Simpsons!

Answers: ?1. Chief Clancy Wiggum; 2. Comic Book Guy; 3. Bart Simpson; 4. Apu Nahasapeemapetilan; 5. Principal Armin “Seymour Skinner” Tanzarian; 6. Marge Simpson; 7. Ned Flanders; 8. Lisa Simpson; 9. Homer Simpson