Takes One to Meat One

By Urchin Pig Girl

Okay, meatheads, listen up. You prissy femmes better get your thumbs out of your blow-holes and tighten up. I've got no patience with newbs, so don't give me that teary-eyed puppy crap. I'll knock your block off. You're here to shoot and kill, and I'm here to tell you how. You might say I've been around the block a few times. It's your lucky day, babies. I'm going to share some of the tricks I've learned while your mummy was wiping your dark sides.

Demolishers, Front and Center
Usually slow as molasses and just as appalling, you tubbies have a secret weapon: you're berserk. Turn it on, and you turn into high-speed trains. This gives you an advantage in capture-the-flag style missions. All you have to do is get yourself to the flag, grab it, and press X to go into Berserk mode. Not only can you run with super speed, you can take long falls. On a good day, you might make it all the way across half the map before your Berserk runs out. No stopping. No fighting. Grab and go. Grab and go. That's your mantra.

You've got a killer weapon, Demolisher Demoiselles. Use it to its best advantage. Here's a tip in two words: guided missiles. Remember how much fun it was when you were a kid and Dad put you into that little car that runs around and around the track? Then, you grew up and got to drive your own car wherever you wanted. Regular missiles are that little track-guided car. Guided missiles are the ones you drive and crash into your enemies, splatting them into oily smears on the highway of war. Get my meaning? You want the upgrade. Use your left thumbstick to guide the deadly object of splattage, and you'll see just how much fun it really is being all grown up.

Ready, aim, SPLAT!

Smell the Bacon, Grunts
You come out of the war womb as dumb as dumbots, and it doesn't get much better after that. Lucky for you, you eventually earn the right to handle the Hogster. In my opinion, you'll never be worthy of this beauty of a weapon, but the powers-that-be seem to believe you need it. Among its fine qualities, it has a mode that makes its missiles explode on impact. Also, you can use it to reach enemy targets lurking out of sight around a corner, or over the edge of a ledge. This leaves you free to cower out of sight and still be an effective killing machine. You like that idea, don't you?

Don't get too cocky, and don't be too pig-headed. The Hogster comes with a drawback that's as likely to kill you as it is to kill your enemy. If you're not careful, you could get yourself caught in your own blast radius. To avoid giving your chums a good laugh over your self-inflicted disintegration, aim high at wide-open spaces and don't run into your own target area.

Can you handle it?

Long Rangers, Kneel Before Me
Are you too proud to kneel, lover? You have to get on your knees to do it right. Crouching improves your aim. Not only that, but when you're targeting, hold in that right trigger with a steady pressure. Release it only when at full power to release the shot.

Using this method improves your aim and makes you more of a mad marksman than your puny minds could ever imagine. Speaking of triggers, hold in the left one to switch over to Depleted Uranium "DU" ammunition. If you release the right trigger when at full power, using the "DU" ammo, you can take down a standard ground vehicle in one shot or disable a tank or steed with two.

Upgrades are your friends, Long'uns. Get out there and earn them as quickly as you can. Not only do you need the zoom lenses you get, but you desperately need the close-combat weaponry: two Krotch .45s. Let's face it, you've got a weak side—the up-close and personal side. You're great if the enemy isn't knocking on your door, but if one of them manages to snuggle up, you're in deep doo-doo. If you have the crotch to carry a couple Krotches, then you'll never have to worry again. This weapon fires fast and furious at close range. You just have to earn them.

Demolishers, Grunts and Long Rangers—the names make you sound almost scary, but I know better. I've seen the letters you write home. I'll hear no excuses. You have the knowledge now to make something of yourselves. What are you waiting for? This lecture is over.

Urchin Pig Girl has left the house. As you were.