Gaming as a Married Man

by HercMax of Xbox Zone

It’s 12:15am on a work night and I’m loading up Call of Duty: World at War hoping to get a nice session of online multiplayer in before bed. I’m looking forward to getting my rank up and getting those headshot challenges done and dusted. What’s more likely to happen is that I will be stuck with a group of Europeans with a Dutch host who will ream me over repeatedly with a Thompson.

I will also get many chances to sneak up on an unsuspecting player and proceed to empty my clip at them. Only for them to turn around and put a bullet in my skull until I see on the Killcam that I was aiming at the mangrove next to them instead. Oh the joys of lag. Why do I subject myself to such an ungodly hour of gaming when I could have enjoyed lag free sessions with a bunch of Aussies only a few hours earlier?

Truth be told, my wife was watching Desperate Housewives on the TiVo, then decided she wanted to catch up on two episodes of Brothers and Sisters. So I basically had to wait until Sally Tea Bag Fields stopped crying over some book that Calista Praying Mantis Flockhart wrote and how much they loved one another before I could continue the rest of my life. Until then, the “big TV” was occupied.

It’s not all rosy after that however, because She Who Must Be Obeyed develops the hearing of a cave bat so I’m told to turn down the volume of my surround sound system to a level that wouldn’t be heard above a mouse’s cough. Meanwhile, I get knifed from behind because I couldn’t hear xxAssaSSinKillerxx coming. Yes headphones would help but they still don’t reproduce the 5.1 sound accurately so I refuse to use them.

I press on because despite my frustrations at the lag and my own inept FPS gaming skills it’s the only time I get to play without my better half casting a steely eye at me. If I have time to pick up the controller then I must have time to vacuum the house or pick up the brown presents that our canine pets leave behind in the garden. And if she’s cooking or washing the clothes, then you better not be on the Xbox. Because playing games is a form of active enjoyment. You can’t be enjoying yourself while she’s lugging your dirty laundry around.

On the other hand, watching TV while she’s being productive around the house is still acceptable because watching TV is passive. You’re not actively looking to enjoy yourself. The TV might just be on and you happen to be sitting down and you might not be enjoying the program anyway. However playing games is a form of proactively seeking enjoyment so it’s a no-no if she’s cooking or vacuuming. That doesn’t leave much opportunity for moments of “dual enjoyment” where she’s reading a book or surfing the net for shoes so you can play games guilt-free.

It’s not all bad though. She does get involved with my favourite pastime every now and then. Sometimes she will ask what game I’m playing and comment how lame the dialogue is. Other times she will actively get involved and spend a good hour or so on the Xbox. For example when the NXE came out and I created an avatar to look like me. She thought that looked like fun and decided to recreate herself as well. On my XBL tag. So now I’m wearing a blue denim skirt with leggings.

By now you must be wondering whether or not my testicles are still intact or if the wife has stored them in a box under lock and key. In fact, it’s a choice made by the man of the house. You see, unless you are lucky enough to have a wife who likes gaming as much as you do, playing games is a very solitary experience for both yourself and your wife. It’s not like watching TV or a DVD where you can still share time together and chat.

If I’m in a ranked match and playing my Ryu keeping a piledriving Zangief at bay, I don’t want to be spoken to, touched or even breathed on. If I’m on my last lap in an endurance race in a Porsche 911 GT3 RS at Laguna Seca I don’t want to know you’re even there. Because if you happen to so much as come into my peripheral vision and stuffed my braking point so my car is in eleven pieces against the tyre wall, I will rain expletives at you. And it’s an impulsive, almost natural reaction. If your wife happened to be at the receiving end of such a tirade then expect your face to be much less prettier than a smashed up Porsche.

It’s not like she doesn’t let me play games. In fact she’s quite understanding of my hobby and it’s my choice that I don’t play too often while we have time together. Because of the ostracizing nature of the past time, if you don’t like games it’s hard to get involved or even be interested. Much like when she watches Home and Away. I refuse to be in the same room when that’s on TV because I’d rather get nail gunned in the eyes and have my ears sewn together.

Despite all current statistics that show the average age of the modern gamer is around 30-34 years old there’s still a stigma attached. Unfortunately, playing games when you’re over 30 and married is seen as childish, unproductive and unambitious. Spending $250 on an arcade stick is seen as frivolous whereas spending $250 on a meal with your wife is seen as an event worthy of mountainous praise. It’s a tough deal we married gamers get and sharing a house and the “big TV” with a non-gamer wife is about as tough as time management gets.

Those lucky enough to have a separate gaming room with a nice big plasma TV and surround sound system doesn’t obscure the fact that you’re still shunning your wife. You might as well be in that room masturbating, because that would be less of a sin. Instead you wait for the days when the wife goes for brunch with her girlfriends. Baby showers are great because they take up the whole day. You then look forward to finally getting around to finishing off that game that you forgot the controls for because it’s been 2 months since you last played it. I call them Gaming Holidays.

There isn’t a whole lot we can do as married men and it will only get worse when you start accumulating offspring. At least closet alcoholics can hide a bottle of vodka behind the computer where the wife will never look and take a sip every now and then. Gaming unfortunately requires much longer stints of free time and 50 lap endurance races on Forza 2 are about as likely as the wife knowing who Master Chief is. There are obviously those who manage their “gaming time” and “wife time” quite well and feel quite satisfied. Then there are those who forgo sleep or basically those like me. It may sound like I ruin the reality of married bliss but I’m not. In fact I wouldn’t have it any other way ( the very likely chance my better half would happen to read this article notwithstanding ). Anyway, sleep is overrated.